I have learned recently that people with Aspergers in general have many anxieties, worries, and irrational fears. I am no different from that. That is one Aspie trait that I wish I could manage better. It would help with job hunting and various other things that I have a tendency to panic over. With my fear of abandonment and various other issues that contribute to Jealousy in my relationships, I feel these things are overly heightened as an Aspie. I had a Panic Attack just because my boyfriend was out with someone else. It's kind of silly I know, but I have never had a guy like the current boyfriend.
He is patient, understanding, and tries to help me in every way he can except financially, however, my fear is that hes going to disappear when ever he leaves my sight, or will run off with someone else. These things logically are irrational because there is no indication or reason why he would do such a thing and he always says he loves me more than anyone else and that our bond runs deeper than anyone else and that hes not going to leave me. I think I fear these things because I have had constant abandonment from a lot of people and various other things.
However, I do wonder how much of my issues is actually my Aspie brain overly thinking, and overly worrying, and irrationally fearing these things, and how much of these issues are heightened because of my Aspie brain? It would make sense that being Aspergers doesn't help with trying to cope and deal with these feelings. Especially when half the time I feel like my head is at war. My logical brain is always at war with my emotions, and I have a hard time understanding where my feelings come from. I logically know on some level, but the emotions don't make sense to me.
The cause and effect thing kind of eludes me. For example, Action A leads to Feeling B. I separate actions from emotions, like Action A just happens, its not supposed to make you feel anything, and yet I am feeling B, Why? Why do I feel these things even though its illogical? To me it feels like emotions are an intrusion to everyday living.
I feel like a young Spock from Star Treck or something. Someone who was born half human and half Vulcan. Vulcans in general are emotionless creatures, and someone who is half human half Vulcan growing up in a Vulcan society, feels out of place because they have emotions, when others do not. They grow up probably almost as confused as I am sometimes by emotions. It Logically does not make sense. However, the difference is spock eventually learns that he is different and eventually accepts it, but I don't think he ever feels he completely fits in with humans or Vulcans. There is a select few that actually manages to get close to him. In some ways that is how I feel.
So are feelings and issues seem to heighten because your Aspie? It seems to be the case for me, and from what I have read in books and forums, I know I am not the only one, but sometimes it really feels like I'm the only one, and that I am alone. I know I'm not a lone, but some days it still feels like it because I don't think anyone can really ever understand me, let alone, me understanding myself.
