Saturday, November 15, 2014

Executive Functioning and Theory of Mind

I have been reading up more on Aspergers lately and my overnight manager thinks she has it and is going un-diagnosed. One of the things we have been talking about this week is Executive Functioning and Theory of mind skills.  Here is an excerpt from, explaining how this effects people like me who have Aspergers.

"Individuals with Asperger Syndrome/HFA may often face challenges related to their ability to interpret certain social cues and skills. They may have difficulty processing large amounts of information and relating to others. Two core terms relating to these challenges are Executive Functioning and Theory of Mind. Executive Functioning includes skills such as organizing, planning, sustaining attention, and inhibiting inappropriate responses. Theory of Mind refers to one’s ability to perceive how others think and feel, and how that relates to oneself. Both of these issues can impact the behavior of individuals with AS.

Difficulties in the area of Executive Functioning can manifest themselves in many different ways. Some individuals pay attention to minor details, but fail to see how these details fit into a bigger picture. Others have difficulty with complex thinking that requires holding more than one train of thought simultaneously. Others have difficulty maintaining their attention, or organizing their thoughts and actions. Executive Functioning difficulties can also be associated with poor impulse control. Temple Grandin once said: "I cannot hold one piece of information in my mind while I manipulate the next step in the sequence." Individuals with AS often lack the ability to use skills related to executive functioning like planning, sequencing and self-regulation."

Even though I have some set routines that I have to have to feel comfortable, but to be completely honest I have many lacking abilities when it comes to executive functioning. For me it manifests as I see minor details and I don't really get the big picture unless someone explains it to me. And quite honestly I have issues with all of it. I have difficulty maintaining attention and organizing thoughts. I often have to go through a whole serious of explanation just to get the the main point where I notice people just summarize what I would take as 10-20 mins in explaining to like one short 5 second sentence. It often looks like I'm trying to guilt trip and stuff because I say "you did this" so that must mean this type of thing. Also self regulation. I am good about getting out of bed and being responsible for getting to work on time, However, when it comes to brushing my teeth and disciplining myself to concentrate, get things done, and deal with the adult world, I suck at it. It gets very overwhelming navigating the adult world as an Aspie.

"Theory of Mind deficits can oftentimes have a large impact on individuals with AS. In the book Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick, the authors illustrate social deficits caused by theory of mind:

1. Difficulty explaining ones behaviors

2. Difficulty understanding emotions

3. Difficulty predicting the behavior or emotional state of others

4. Problems understanding the perspectives of others

5. Problems inferring the intentions of others

6. Lack of understanding that behavior impacts how others think and/or feel

7. Problems with joint attention and other social conventions

8. Problems differentiating fiction from fact"

An ex had tried to change some of these things inside me. Guess what... Didn't work. It's not something anyone can change. It is how I am wired and I get really angry when people can't accept my aspergers or don't do any research or reading on it so they can understand me and help me with these things.

I Don't understand emotions, weather they are inside me or someone elses. Sometimes I cry and don't know why, or I feel silly because I feel that maybe I don't have the right to feel these things because they are stupid feelings. I grew up thinking its not okay to have feelings, only to intellectually find out later it is okay, and that I do have feelings that matter, I just have a hard time identifying what they are and trying to explain it to someone.

A person in general I've heard has issues communicating emotions, and yet I'm expected to function on a normal level when I clearly have deficiencies?  I can't. Yeah behavior can change but I think we only mimic what we learned  using our intellect but I don't think people with aspergers can change the way they are wired. I will ever fully get it. Is this a bad thing? No.  Just mean's I have a different set of needs that probably takes more work. If you don't want to deal with it, then Don't. I don't expect everyone to like me and I don't expect people to understand right away. If you want to be friends or more, Great! However, do some research after I tell you I have AS. It's like expecting a person in a wheelchair without legs to get up and walk.

However, when it comes to the written word, research, and writing English, I do very well at expressing myself... This comes with my intellect and I honestly think I am way smarter than my IQ test gives me credit for.

So with this information, I obviously need help with these things....I can't do it on my own. I need rules, reminders, a schedule to follow, I need structure and discipline because quite honestly I never got these things when I was a kid. My discipline was always physical, as in I was spanked and well that doesn't work, especially when you don't know what you did wrong and don't understand why. One idea that my ex had, is something I want to start doing, and it will be for stuff like brushing teeth, getting organized, and making sure I do the things I am supposed to do everyday. Its to get a calandar and everytime I complete my to do list I get a sticker. If I get 5 stickers out of 7 (5 days out of 7 days) then I should get a treat. There should be some leeway for alone time, and being able to just breath after dealing with the adult world for 5 out of 7 days.

I hate that I am like this, I feel like such a little girl in this big bad world and it's scary, but I am not ashamed to admit to my faults because when you admit them to yourself, become self aware, there are coping mechanisms out there as well as resources and help available. I really need to start going to aspie support groups but the ones I know of are really far for travel and busing back and forth with me working overnights is a pain in the ass...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Aspergers and Organized Religion

I have been doing more studies on Autism and Aspergers disorder and here is my latest interesting findings.

There is a link to people with autism and religion. Basically most of us probably consider ourselves spiritual in nature but don't adhere to the rules of religious institutions.

On Psychology Today's Website a therapist with Aspergers Disorder comments about a Study done by Catherine Caldwell-Harris - a psychology professor at Boston University. She concludes that people with autism reject organized religions and usually follow their own spiritual path based on their needs.
"According to her study, autistic people today are much more likely to reject organized religion in favor of their own independently constructed belief system, just as we are more likely to be agnostics or atheists. You can read the study here: " (John Elder Robison)

After reading the study myself I find this interesting because my Spiritual beliefs are pagan in nature. I generally believe in a little bit of everything from each religion.

In order to fully understand what I believe I will outline major basic points.

1) The Christian God- I DO Not Believe in the Christian God of the Bible, especially the god of the Old Testament. I believe they are two different Gods warring for control over humans. Why do I think that? The old Testiment god is wrathful, vengeful, and if you don't obey him he will destroy the world, While the New Testiment teaches that god is merciful and loving. How can you be merciful and loving when your hell bent on condemning everyone for disobeying when you are somewhat responsible for it by free will? I feel the personality for the Old Testiment is completely different than the personality of god in the New Testiment.

If you really loved your creations, you will weep with them when they loose loved ones, you will help them achieve the best creation possible, you will sacrifice and love unconditionally even if you think what they are doing is wrong. With that said, I DO NOT believe The new christian god cares weather you are GLBT and live other lifestyles. if he really created you the way he wanted you to be, then that means he created GLBT, Open relationships and various other workings with the Power of The Mind. He created creativity, compassion, free will and most importantly LOVE.

If you Love someone Romantically that is not a sin weather or not it is GLBT love or not. Everyone needs a companion and sometimes the best relationships are with the same sex.

So what do I believe? I do Believe there is a Primal Source, I will not call it GOD, because the word God implies you are Christian and adhere to the traditional Oppressive patriarchal system. I believe the primal source is neither male nor female but is what it wants to be when it suits its needs. With that said the Primal Source is interchangeable and do not want men or women dominating each other but making each other equals and respecting each other as such as well as respecting the differences in Human bodies. We are All Humans and I think we should Act like Human beings instead of using the male/female gender role as an excuse to oppress one another.

However, it cannot run the universe Alone

2) Other gods. I believe the primal source created the Gods. Yes More than One! the gods of the other pantheons existed and probably still exist. I am still unsure as to if each pantheon is a different set of gods or if they are all the same gods just posing as different gods and communicating differently with different means to humans. Reason why I believe that is because when it comes to paganism you invoke the god or goddess in your rituals, you can feel its power. I once almost accidentally called down the moon by myself in my own room. Usually a high priestess is only able to do that but when I did the moons energy patterns felt differently than other gods and goddesses I've invoked in the past. The energies are different and feels different. So in my pagan practices I am leaning towards that each set of gods is different from the next pantheon. Usually other gods are there to assist you with whatever prayer/spell you are doing. Each energy pattern sends out a certain vibe to the primal source and it works with its helpers to help you achieve goals. Its basically sending out energy to the universe to manipulate what you want to do with whatever area in life you need help in. 

3) Which leads me to Angels and other Spirit Beings such as ghosts and things of that nature. I believe in ghosts, and angels, demons, and other forces. There is Good and Evil but we need both to survive. How do you know what good is if there is no evil? how do you know what evil is if there is no good? The Key is to balance the two which the perfect symbol for balancing light and dark is the Ying Yang.  They are all here for a reason. I also believe things like dragons and various other mythical races all existed on earth at one point in time. Either they moved to a different dimension for safety or they died out. I have no idea which but they were here, otherwise how would we come up with these myths? There had to be other species like dragons and fairies and one point for us to see. The words had to come from somewhere? 

4) Magic. I Believe in Magic. Not the kind that you see on TV though. I Believe Magic is in the form of energy. Prayer for example is sending energy out into the universes, spells are similar except its about channeling energy, visualizing and concentrating on intent and its more organized and stronger force than just regular payer. I also believe in celebrating the cycles of nature and the 5 pagan elements produce balance. 

So that is the basic structure of my belief system and the reason why it is so detailed is because I wanted to emphasize the findings in the study. This is just one Aspies personal belief system. What is yours?


Sorry I have been gone so long. Things are really busy right now and I don't get much access to a computer since my lap top basically is not working as well as it should. I need to save up for a new lap top.  ATM I am currently using my Fiance's computer while he is at work.

Friday, March 14, 2014

What I wish my Partners to know

I have came across some interesting information about Aspian woman. I have found some blogs about a husband's perspective on being married to an aspie woman and it put things in a different perspective for me. Also it made me ask myself what do I want my partner's to know about being an aspie?  I will attempt to answer that in this blog post.

Lately it feels like no one really understands me. I will also go on to explain that I am polyamorous person and recently am dealing with a break up of one of my partners. During my relationship with this person, she said she wanted me to be the best person I can be. She wanted to help me learn to control my emotions better. She wanted me to change behaviors that are a direct result from being an aspie. Granted the behaviors can change somewhat, however, the underlying cause cannot be helped and most likely the behaviors I exhibit may still pop up and I will keep being an Aspie. I can't change my autism and it feels like everyone is trying to change it. My boyfriend/future husband himself uses sarcasm all the time, Sometimes I get it sometimes I don't; sometimes I misread his sarcasm to mean things it doesnt mean and he gets frustrated with my literal thinking almost daily. He gives me sarcasm 101 lessons and its like why is everyone trying to get me to cater to them when nobody is trying to meet me halfway by reading resources and communicating with me to try and understand ME and my needs as an aspie?

When she broke up with me she didn't tell me. She just removed me from her list of relationships on a social networking website. That was how I found out and I've been in and out of meltdowns all week from the stress of losing someone I really did care about regardless of what she thinks. I feel that maybe its all my fault due to being an aspie and being myself. Some of my actions in the past may not be ideal for her, but I didn't know any other ways of doing things. She's taught me a lot and I have been working extremely hard to change my behaviors. I loved her for it.

Either way so a question was asked and now I will answer.

1) I cannot change the fact I have aspergers. Accept it, read about it, take the time to actually get to know how I function so you can make a game plan for how to deal with me at my worst.

2) Part of my worst comes from me not being able to regulate my emotions. If I am overloaded and overwhelmed, I will quite possibly behave badly. Mainly because there is also a lack of impulse control. That is also a recorded aspie trait. I work extremely hard to have control so that I don't melt down at work, or melt down during social situation, but I fail sometimes because I am just simply put, OVERWHELMED. There is nothing you can do about it, but not take it, the bad behavior, personally. Understand that it is not something I can always help and wait til the storm passes until I am in a more resolved state, then try talking to me about stuff.

3) I process information differently and a lot of times it is slower than my peers, but I am really intelligent. Because I process things differently, Sometimes processing emotions and communicating them verbally is hard for me to do, Especially if I am overwhelmed. When Overwhelmed I usually experience a case of mutism if theres too much to process at once. A lot of times I write in journals because it helps my brain to slow down the information and I can actually think about it.

4) I am sensitive and so are other aspies. More sensitive than others may be. Many of us could be considered what the pagan community would be called empaths. I read that a new theory suggests that its not that we don't or can't Empathize, its that we Empathize too much. I have noticed that when people are upset around me I get upset. If people are stressed I get stressed automatically even though I came in, in a good mood. If people are in pain, I cry. There may or may not be an aspie off switch but some of us with draw because it becomes too much for us to bear. Your pain is my pain and keep in mind that if your emotional around me, I will most likely become emotional as well. I feel much deeper than others. My now ex-girlfriend had the theory that my emotions aren't any more or less strong than other people, It just feels like it because when my off switch is off I'm not used to experiencing emotions. No, Now I beg to differ after doing more research on it. That is not the case. Here is a link to the theory.

Also with this sensitivity, we may or may not have heightened senses. Loud noises for example scare me. It's part of why punching walls scare me. I may be half deaf, which dumbs down things a bit, but even then certain noise levels overwhelm me. Sometimes even with small gaming groups that can be as loud as semi's to me, I have to go down to the basement and take a chill pill. If I'm having an aspie moment like this. Please don't assume its because I don't want to socialize. Some things are heightened times 10 in magnitude and I think my highest sensitivity level is I am very sensitive to Emotions. It explains a lot.

5) Verbal Communication is hard for me to do. I have stated that previously and I am sorry, but how I cope is by writing in journals. This past year I have started writing in a journal specifically for my partner or partners to read when I cannot talk. If this bothers you because you feel its a depersonalized way of communicating, and say using aspergers as an excuse is not acceptable. Tough shit. I try really hard to verbalize but sometimes I can't. Sometimes I am not even aware of what I'm feeling half the time because of feeling too much at once and deeply at once.  Likewise, I hate confronting people. I fear confronting people. I fear it because I don't understand how to do it properly without being too overly blunt or literal. I say exactly what I mean when I say it and I know I hurt people because of it.

I have a fear of hurting others and so I have a tendency to go out of my way to avoid hurting others but at the same time sometimes the way I try to prevent hurting people is the same process that does hurt people. I haven't quite figured out how this all works yet. I don't get how to not be blunt or literal, and because of that I may not confront people on anything in person if at all can be helped. Sometimes I need people to check in with me and ask if things are okay. If not I will most likely designate a Journal dedicated to that partner to write out what's wrong and then we can discuss what I wrote. I am sorry about that because that is part of the reason why most of my relationships fail and the reason why I'm dealing with another break up.

It also doesn't help I'm poly. I think because of my communication problems due to aspergers disorder makes it hard to keep and sustain relationships. Being a pansexual poly definitely takes a lot of work and sometimes I need to be addressed first to feel comfortable instead of people assuming I will go to them when I have an issue. I have a lot of fears and anxieties about things in general so please just be patient with me.

6) I am naive and there is still a part of me that is innocent. I am easily manipulated and coerced into things. I have been abused in the past because of it. I have a hard time establishing what my boundaries are and being assertive about it.  I need to have checklists pre-made and things to figure out what they are. I only started trying to figure out what my boundaries are a couple of years ago and each year I find something new about myself. I am still learning to do this so please have patience. Also when I do try to be assertive, I don't always do it in a healthy manor. I don't know how to be assertive and please keep in mind that if I come across as cold or angry about a certain topic that bothers me or something I am probably trying to be assertive.  I need people to help stick up for me when I fail to do this, and/or help me recognize manipulation tactics. I feel sometimes I basically need a protector and that is partially why I have certain rules set up in my polyamory contract with my future husband.

7) I am Child-like. There are lots of ways I still need to grow up. Sometimes it might be like having a child for a partner. I'm stuck at a teenager level of maturity, and I also from time to time regress into a little kid to escape adult pressures because it is overwhelming.  Lately I have been working on baby steps into improving myself and to finally grow up but it's hard and it is scary. Without a loving, caring environment from my partners, I may never grow up. I think partially this is due to because I was emotionally/mentally and sometimes physically abused while growing up. Love and support weren't fully part of the household. I think mainly because my parents don't know how to love. My Parents I think are also autistic, and I know my mother was severely abused while growing up, but they don't see it. They have in their mind stuck in their head a version of what autism looks like and if they don't see those qualities in themselves then they don't think they are autistic. They think how they socialize and what not is what everyone else does when its not exactly true.

At the moment I can't think of anything else to add here. If I think of more things I will edit and add things to this list later on. I am kind of making this for my current and future partners I may or may not have. If people can't handle me then I say get out before I get too attached to you. Also  Don't make promises you can't keep or say you will do things if you can't do that. It takes a strong person to put up with me and I am lucky I have who I have in my life right now. I love him very much and I hope he's serious about never leaving, if in the end we don't get married.

Here are some more links to do more research if you'd like.

These are the best links so far I have found on everything.

Also books I recommend reading is  Aspergirls by Rudy Simone  and Tony Attwod's guide to aspergers disorder.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Figuring myself out

So I keep reading up about Aspergers disorder, only because I am still in the process in figuring out how my brain works. Its not an easy task, to figure out your own brain patterns, especially when you know it is so different from everyone else. So I had found a new website that kind of explains it more bluntly. However keep in mind everyone with Aspergers/autism is different. Even people with Aspergers are vastly different in signs, symptoms and the degree of severity is different.  Here is the link for more information: 

Here is a little excerpt from the website. 

Eccentric people have always existed, but until recently, Aspergers wasn't recognized as a possible cause of strange adult behavior. Aspergers, one of the neurological disorders on the autism spectrum, can be mild, causing only somewhat unusual behavior, or severe, causing almost complete inability to function in society without assistance. Adult Aspies, like kids with the syndrome, have trouble deciphering the normal rules of society, which impacts their home, work and social lives.

Grown-ups with Aspergers have high intellectual functioning – but diminished social abilities. An adult Aspie might:

• appear clumsy
• follow repetitive routines
• have limited or unusual interests
• lack social skills
• lack the ability to read non-verbal cues
• seem egocentric
• use peculiar speech and language

Typical adult symptoms include:

• "black and white" thinking
• a tendency to be "in their own world" 
• appear overly concerned with their own agenda
• difficulty managing appropriate social conduct
• difficulty regulating emotions
• follow strict routines
• great musical ability
• highly focused in specific fields of interest often to the exclusion of other pursuits
• inability to empathize
• inability to understand other perspectives
• intense interest in one or two subjects
• outstanding memory

Here is what I have figured out so far for myself as an Aspie. Also note many signs and symptoms are also different in women than in men. There are many possible reasons for this. It could be because in genetic coding women are biologically stronger than men, or it could be that society today still has very defined gender roles.

So far this is what I have found out about myself....

1) I am clumsy. I attribute this as part of Aspergers because when I get clumsy and hurt myself or others by accident, I know there is a whole different processing issue going. It's like if I can't see it or try to go too fast instead of going at my own speed then I end up defualting to ignoring certain spacial awareness. If there is too much going on in the computer system what does it do? it either goes slower or it ends up ignoring stuff. I try to explain things to the best of my ability and using metaphors helps a lot when I can't fully explain things.

2) Following repetitive routines.... I don't have any routines that are super eccentric, however, I have small routines with cooking and doing dishes. If I watch someone else do the cooking or try to help in anyway I get upset its not done to my regime. Or when it comes to doing dishes at work, if some of the newbies don't do the dishes the way I do it and I watch them, I get upset that they aren't doing it right. In the shower, I have certain routine of washing hair, condition hair, and then wash my entire body while conditioner is in setting so it gets the best silkiness. Then after all that if I need to shave I shave. I shave last. 

Honestly though, I actually despise having a set schedule for myself and I seem to be a bit more random and can go with the flow more easier than other aspies I know. I think it could be because most other aspies I know are male and exhuberate male traits. I don't know if this is a female thing or not. There still researching female traits of aspergers and so the differences are not all known.

3) Difficulty regulating emotions- This is the hardest one for me. I have a huge issue with regulating emotions. I cried at work during break after a hard rush of people that just would not stop coming. I get angry and don't always know how to express it. This is where it is hard for me to communicate properly about my emotions, because to me the emotions feel very overwhelming, and emotions are a stimulus. When people with autism in general get overly stimulated they either go mute or as a child they could through violent tantrums. I struggle trying not to throw violent tantrums because I was never treated with this as a child.  when people say things that upset me and agitate me, I end up in a powerlessness that I feel can't be helped.

Since I have a slower processing speed, when someone says something to upset me, and the emotions are overwhelming, I end up whining, grunting, and like a child I say "stop it" in the child like way. It is my way of saying that something is bothering me please stop, and if the person don't stop that is when I get even more upset and it becomes more overwhelming and I don't know what to do. I feel trapped because I don't know how to make them stop, to make it go away so I start of feel powerless and that is why when people make cruel remarks my way I just sit there and take it. My intuitive reaction to act on these feelings end up. Since I know I am not supposed to I feel guilty if I suddenly lash out because I don't know how else to convey the message that I am hurting from the behavior that you are doing, please knock it off. 

I wish I could just say that instead of getting all whiney like a little baby and I've tried doing it the normal way and sometimes the people still don't stop. And then I am plagued with the 90's mentality and grew up learning that if you don't have anything nice to say then you shouldn't say anything at all and yet some people still say the cruelest things, so I sit there and take the abuse out of submissiveness. 

On top of that, I have to work really hard not to piss people off, especially when it comes to negative emotions, particularly anger, and trying really hard not throw a tantrum. This is why when I am having negative emotions whether it's depression or anger I lock myself up in my room until the storm passes. It saves a lot of people from seeing the worst of me. But currently I am at a place where being alone by myself is difficult. I am thinking about the idea of putting up a blanket or sheet up when I need to be by myself in my small living space. 

Also my feelings of powerlessness over my emotions and conveying messages about how I'm feeling is I feel is partially because of the abuse I went through growing up and some of the abusive relationships I have gotten into in the past. I had learned the powerless feelings at a young age, and that in itself has its own issues. People with autism-aspergers I feel is way more susceptible to abuse. I need to do some more research to find that out for sure but it could also be a part of how I process my emotions. 

However, despite my issues, I still try very hard to communicate effectively about my emotions, so that I don't end up blowing up like a volcano. It is hard and I may not always do it properly, and I know sometimes my retaliation is abusive too and I know that is not okay by any means. There is no excuse for abuse and stopping the cycle is a very hard thing to do. When I went through advocacy training in college, I learned that everyone has abusive traits and I am finding that to be true about almost everyone I meet. Most intelligent people though realize it and work on a game plan to stop it. Me personally I know I need to start working on a plan B in case shutting myself alone in a room for hours or days is unavailable to me and that is something I need to go over with a therapist.

However, one outlet that gives me the tools to have a voice is writing out my emotions when I start experiencing Mutism as in feelings are so overwhelming I can't seem to get it out or talk. I like to write I like to journal and write poetry. I am a very creative person.

4) Non-verbal cues- I can pick up some non- verbal cues but not all. I have a hard time telling if people are just joking or not, and I have a hard time telling if people are sarcastic. Body language and posture and certain things kind of elude me. Like when I keep talking about stuff that is no longer the interest of a group, its mainly because I feel that I have to go into details and make sure they know everything about what I'm interested in. It's like I feel the need to give people an education on something new. I get excited to teach new things to people.  I guess that sort of goes into egocentricity. I admit I can be egocentric sometimes too. 

5) A tendancy to be in their own world- this is especially true for females. Females seem to be more imaginative than their male counterparts. For me fantasy is huge thing. I love vampires, witches, ghosts, and dragons, and unicorns, and the idea of people having super powers. sometimes it beats being in reality all the time. In order to deal with the pressures of everyday living, I need to check out every once in awhile. I'm sorry but it's true. I start watching my favorite movies over and over again and or get really obsessed over a show to the point where I can't seem to stop watching it. Then I end up day dreaming about the movies or shows for days after. Thinking about what it would be like to live in that world. 

6) Inability to understand Other peoples perspectives- If people were to be bluntly honest with me about how they are feeling or talk to me about their viewpoints I usually am understanding of those things, however people have to tell me their point of view or I will not understand automatically. I don't understand why this person is upset with me...tell me why! And when people are upset to being just upset over other things, I take it all on myself and think its because of me when in reality it probably isn't. Its not because I think the world revolves around me its just when I see people angry, growing up, people took their anger out on me and somehow made it my fault, so I just automatically default to that. It's not like I think well what does this person feel and why? I can't read those things. If I were to try and figure it out on my own It would take hours/days. By then the person is usually over it or doesn't want to discuss it further. And that is easily why I sometimes feel I have unresolved issues at time, Cus I just don't know, and sometimes people just don't tell me and it gets rather frustrating.. 

7) Intense interests in one or two subjects....  well I honestly have a lot of interests however, I become obsessive over them one at a time. I have read that dating, boys, and sex can be an intense interest or obsession for females in the book called aspergirls by rudy simone. Aspies are known to get obsessive over the things they enjoy the most.  In women though obsessions and interests aren't particularly peculiar like the male counterparts. women can become obsessive over things women normally get obsessive over such as dating or sex or just obsessive with males in general. Basically they possibly could be obsessive over their male lovers/boyfriends, and then the other side to it is some females don't even want to date at all. Other females could also obsess over being clean and various other things. 

This is also where Aspies can be vastly be different. Some obsess over one thing at time such as painting, drawing, or math equations, but when they get bored with it, its not that they don't like it anymore or don't want to do it ever again, its just they may have a different interest that peaked their curiosity. Some aspies go from interest to interest and not fully specializing in anything, while others specialize and make it into a career. I personally have not found my niche but considering some of my skill sets I could easilly quite possibly become a sex therapist...and particularly could be a sex therapist for people who have been abused once I get over my own shit. 

Also note these are the reasons why some of us aspies get misdiagnosed with Obsessive compulsive disorder.

8) Black and White thinking- I am a very black and white thinker. It is hard for me to see grey areas and a lot of times I am very litteral and I need people to be very literal with me when communicating things. Otherwise I may not get it.

9) Lack social skills- Obviously I lack social skills and it gives me a lot of anxiety when it comes to socializing. I try my best but I am an odd duckling and always will be. One time my friend was upset and I didn't know what to do to comfort her. I patted her head and said "there, there, you will be okay" and she looked at me like I was strange.. She said "you odd little duckling" we both kind of giggled and I was like "well what am I supposed to do?" She's like "Hug me," I'm like "okay next time be more specific" after looking back on that.... that definitely is a typical aspie moment and it's kind of funny but kinda not at the same time.

alrighty I'm getting kind of bored writing this....but those are just what I have figured out about myself so far. Trying to explain this stuff to employers if needed to in order to get a list of accommodations set up for job hunting and what not is going to be tough. I want to go through Behavioral therapy and vairious other things that help aspies learn healthier liveing and coping mechanisms because I want some of my submissive- avoidant-dependant personality things to change to become a better person, or a more functioning person I should say. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Anxiety's, Worries, and Irrational fears

I have learned recently that people with Aspergers in general have many anxieties, worries, and irrational fears. I am no different from that. That is one Aspie trait that I wish I could manage better. It would help with job hunting and various other things that I have a tendency to panic over. With my fear of abandonment and various other issues that contribute to Jealousy in my relationships, I feel these things are overly heightened as an Aspie. I had a Panic Attack just because my boyfriend was out with someone else. It's kind of silly I know, but I have never had a guy like the current boyfriend.

He is patient, understanding, and tries to help me in every way he can except financially, however, my fear is that hes going to disappear when ever he leaves my sight, or will run off with someone else. These things logically are irrational because there is no indication or reason why he would do such a thing and he always says he loves me more than anyone else and that our bond runs deeper than anyone else and that hes not going to leave me. I think I fear these things because I have had constant abandonment from a lot of people and various other things.

However, I do wonder how much of my issues is actually my Aspie brain overly thinking, and overly worrying, and irrationally fearing these things, and how much of these issues are heightened because of my Aspie brain? It would make sense that being Aspergers doesn't help with trying to cope and deal with these feelings. Especially when half the time I feel like my head is at war. My logical brain is always at war with my emotions, and I have a hard time understanding where my feelings come from. I logically know on some level, but the emotions don't make sense to me.

The cause and effect thing kind of eludes me. For example, Action A leads to Feeling B. I separate actions from emotions, like Action A just happens, its not supposed to make you feel anything, and yet I am feeling B, Why?  Why do I feel these things even though its illogical? To me it feels like emotions are an intrusion to everyday living.

I feel like a young Spock from Star Treck or something. Someone who was born half human and half Vulcan. Vulcans in general are emotionless creatures, and someone who is half human half Vulcan growing up in a Vulcan society, feels out of place because they have emotions, when others do not. They grow up probably almost as confused as I am sometimes by emotions. It Logically does not make sense.  However, the difference is spock eventually learns that he is different and eventually accepts it, but I don't think he ever feels he completely fits in with humans or Vulcans. There is a select few that actually manages to get close to him. In some ways that is how I feel.

So are feelings and issues seem to heighten because your Aspie?  It seems to be the case for me, and from what I have read in books and forums, I know I am not the only one, but sometimes it really feels like I'm the only one, and that I am alone. I know I'm not a lone, but some days it still feels like it because I don't think anyone can really ever understand me, let alone, me understanding myself.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Moving Away From Home

Moving away from home is often times already a scary concept for people in general, but for us Aspies, I have found that it is even more difficult. At 26 years old I had decided to move to Michigan from my home state which is Minnesota. I had a friend that lived there, and for me it was an exciting new venture, However, when I had decided to move, I had felt I had nothing left here for me.  My parents aren't the most supportive people. They are negative and the home environment is a little bit toxic to me, However, I know they generally mean well and love me despite everything. I had just lost a couple of friendships due to drama, as well as was just abused by someone who manipulated me. I felt really depressed. So, I thought maybe moving away would be healing. 

However, the 3 months it took me to officially move there, I had met new friends, found a different support network from someone new I was starting to see, and then ended up falling for him a few weeks before I was supposed to leave. I had still committed to moving, my job had already made the official transfers, and I felt obligated to still  go because of that. So I still ended up leaving with a long distance relationship. 

When I got there, the job gave me way more hours than I should have gotten, I was only supposed to be hired part time and they gave me full time hours, and even though I wasn't complaining about the paycheck, the long hours took a toll on me emotionally and Mentally. This aspie had worked in fast food customer service type jobs, and the old store was really understanding of my condition, and some people just knew how to handle me. The New store I transferred to, didn't understand  when I tried explaining what aspergers is and what it means to live mildly Autistic. They were constantly putting me down, and I felt I was being somewhat harassed because they wouldn't take the time to try and understand my needs. So that didn't help at all either. Long hours of dealing with customer after customer, and people after people, and dealing with constant complaints about my slow work performance. 

During the course of the month I had been in Michigan, I had a melt down and several small mini break downs while I was there and was severely depressed. I was not adjusting well and the stress was overwhelming. I had many nights where I'd curl up into a ball and just stare at the wall. I'd shut down. I had shut down several times there. My friend that I was living with wasn't that much of a comfort, and since I hadn't really known very many people in the state I had moved to, I was alone, didn't have anyone else to talk to, no support network, and my boyfriend was really busy some weeks and couldn't be able to give me all the attention I needed over skype anyways. I felt lost, scared, and unsafe. I started hating it there and resenting it. So I decided to quit my job, packed up, and move back home. I had lots of help from my loving, caring, and understanding boyfriend who had drove all the way over there to come get me. If I didn't have him I wouldn't have known what to do. 

So because of this experience with moving, I had decided that I will never move out of state again, just because I really don't think I can handle moving to someplace where I have no support network. No Friends, or relatives to help me if I fall, and it just wasn't the best situation at all. Making friends is hard enough as it is, with being aspergers, and then going to a new environment and trying to make new friends is exhausting. My job also didn't help. My aspie traits were triggered there and people knew I wasn't all that up to par with the rest of the people working there.

My advice for aspie people who want to move to another state, for whatever reason, make sure you have a support network to fall back on; have a plan B incase something happens; Research and find Aspie services and support groups in order to get help coping with the big change; utilize any services if you need to; have a job advocate to advocate for you on your behalf; and lastly, listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. 

Now I am unemployed with a stack of bills, and even though I am recovering from the black pit of despair of depression, I wish I had known these things before moving, and wish I had never gone over there in the first place. I have realized I do not deal with change very well, even if the experience is supposed to be positive. I kind of also romanticized moving out and being on my own when maybe I should of been way more realistic about it.  Not every aspie is going to have bad experiences like mine was, but I hope that I have helped others to gain a more realistic approach instead of just doing what I did, and that was jump into something that I might not have been able to handle.