I have came across some interesting information about Aspian woman. I have found some blogs about a husband's perspective on being married to an aspie woman and it put things in a different perspective for me. Also it made me ask myself what do I want my partner's to know about being an aspie? I will attempt to answer that in this blog post.
Lately it feels like no one really understands me. I will also go on to explain that I am polyamorous person and recently am dealing with a break up of one of my partners. During my relationship with this person, she said she wanted me to be the best person I can be. She wanted to help me learn to control my emotions better. She wanted me to change behaviors that are a direct result from being an aspie. Granted the behaviors can change somewhat, however, the underlying cause cannot be helped and most likely the behaviors I exhibit may still pop up and I will keep being an Aspie. I can't change my autism and it feels like everyone is trying to change it. My boyfriend/future husband himself uses sarcasm all the time, Sometimes I get it sometimes I don't; sometimes I misread his sarcasm to mean things it doesnt mean and he gets frustrated with my literal thinking almost daily. He gives me sarcasm 101 lessons and its like why is everyone trying to get me to cater to them when nobody is trying to meet me halfway by reading resources and communicating with me to try and understand ME and my needs as an aspie?
When she broke up with me she didn't tell me. She just removed me from her list of relationships on a social networking website. That was how I found out and I've been in and out of meltdowns all week from the stress of losing someone I really did care about regardless of what she thinks. I feel that maybe its all my fault due to being an aspie and being myself. Some of my actions in the past may not be ideal for her, but I didn't know any other ways of doing things. She's taught me a lot and I have been working extremely hard to change my behaviors. I loved her for it.
Either way so a question was asked and now I will answer.
1) I cannot change the fact I have aspergers. Accept it, read about it, take the time to actually get to know how I function so you can make a game plan for how to deal with me at my worst.
2) Part of my worst comes from me not being able to regulate my emotions. If I am overloaded and overwhelmed, I will quite possibly behave badly. Mainly because there is also a lack of impulse control. That is also a recorded aspie trait. I work extremely hard to have control so that I don't melt down at work, or melt down during social situation, but I fail sometimes because I am just simply put, OVERWHELMED. There is nothing you can do about it, but not take it, the bad behavior, personally. Understand that it is not something I can always help and wait til the storm passes until I am in a more resolved state, then try talking to me about stuff.
3) I process information differently and a lot of times it is slower than my peers, but I am really intelligent. Because I process things differently, Sometimes processing emotions and communicating them verbally is hard for me to do, Especially if I am overwhelmed. When Overwhelmed I usually experience a case of mutism if theres too much to process at once. A lot of times I write in journals because it helps my brain to slow down the information and I can actually think about it.
4) I am sensitive and so are other aspies. More sensitive than others may be. Many of us could be considered what the pagan community would be called empaths. I read that a new theory suggests that its not that we don't or can't Empathize, its that we Empathize too much. I have noticed that when people are upset around me I get upset. If people are stressed I get stressed automatically even though I came in, in a good mood. If people are in pain, I cry. There may or may not be an aspie off switch but some of us with draw because it becomes too much for us to bear. Your pain is my pain and keep in mind that if your emotional around me, I will most likely become emotional as well. I feel much deeper than others. My now ex-girlfriend had the theory that my emotions aren't any more or less strong than other people, It just feels like it because when my off switch is off I'm not used to experiencing emotions. No, Now I beg to differ after doing more research on it. That is not the case. Here is a link to the theory.
http://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/new-study-finds-that-individuals-with-aspergers-syndrome-dont-lack-empathy-in-fact-if-anything-they-empathize-too-much/
Also with this sensitivity, we may or may not have heightened senses. Loud noises for example scare me. It's part of why punching walls scare me. I may be half deaf, which dumbs down things a bit, but even then certain noise levels overwhelm me. Sometimes even with small gaming groups that can be as loud as semi's to me, I have to go down to the basement and take a chill pill. If I'm having an aspie moment like this. Please don't assume its because I don't want to socialize. Some things are heightened times 10 in magnitude and I think my highest sensitivity level is I am very sensitive to Emotions. It explains a lot.
5) Verbal Communication is hard for me to do. I have stated that previously and I am sorry, but how I cope is by writing in journals. This past year I have started writing in a journal specifically for my partner or partners to read when I cannot talk. If this bothers you because you feel its a depersonalized way of communicating, and say using aspergers as an excuse is not acceptable. Tough shit. I try really hard to verbalize but sometimes I can't. Sometimes I am not even aware of what I'm feeling half the time because of feeling too much at once and deeply at once. Likewise, I hate confronting people. I fear confronting people. I fear it because I don't understand how to do it properly without being too overly blunt or literal. I say exactly what I mean when I say it and I know I hurt people because of it.
I have a fear of hurting others and so I have a tendency to go out of my way to avoid hurting others but at the same time sometimes the way I try to prevent hurting people is the same process that does hurt people. I haven't quite figured out how this all works yet. I don't get how to not be blunt or literal, and because of that I may not confront people on anything in person if at all can be helped. Sometimes I need people to check in with me and ask if things are okay. If not I will most likely designate a Journal dedicated to that partner to write out what's wrong and then we can discuss what I wrote. I am sorry about that because that is part of the reason why most of my relationships fail and the reason why I'm dealing with another break up.
It also doesn't help I'm poly. I think because of my communication problems due to aspergers disorder makes it hard to keep and sustain relationships. Being a pansexual poly definitely takes a lot of work and sometimes I need to be addressed first to feel comfortable instead of people assuming I will go to them when I have an issue. I have a lot of fears and anxieties about things in general so please just be patient with me.
6) I am naive and there is still a part of me that is innocent. I am easily manipulated and coerced into things. I have been abused in the past because of it. I have a hard time establishing what my boundaries are and being assertive about it. I need to have checklists pre-made and things to figure out what they are. I only started trying to figure out what my boundaries are a couple of years ago and each year I find something new about myself. I am still learning to do this so please have patience. Also when I do try to be assertive, I don't always do it in a healthy manor. I don't know how to be assertive and please keep in mind that if I come across as cold or angry about a certain topic that bothers me or something I am probably trying to be assertive. I need people to help stick up for me when I fail to do this, and/or help me recognize manipulation tactics. I feel sometimes I basically need a protector and that is partially why I have certain rules set up in my polyamory contract with my future husband.
7) I am Child-like. There are lots of ways I still need to grow up. Sometimes it might be like having a child for a partner. I'm stuck at a teenager level of maturity, and I also from time to time regress into a little kid to escape adult pressures because it is overwhelming. Lately I have been working on baby steps into improving myself and to finally grow up but it's hard and it is scary. Without a loving, caring environment from my partners, I may never grow up. I think partially this is due to because I was emotionally/mentally and sometimes physically abused while growing up. Love and support weren't fully part of the household. I think mainly because my parents don't know how to love. My Parents I think are also autistic, and I know my mother was severely abused while growing up, but they don't see it. They have in their mind stuck in their head a version of what autism looks like and if they don't see those qualities in themselves then they don't think they are autistic. They think how they socialize and what not is what everyone else does when its not exactly true.
At the moment I can't think of anything else to add here. If I think of more things I will edit and add things to this list later on. I am kind of making this for my current and future partners I may or may not have. If people can't handle me then I say get out before I get too attached to you. Also Don't make promises you can't keep or say you will do things if you can't do that. It takes a strong person to put up with me and I am lucky I have who I have in my life right now. I love him very much and I hope he's serious about never leaving, if in the end we don't get married.
Here are some more links to do more research if you'd like.
http://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/
http://aspiewriter.com/2012/08/i-married-aspie-husbands-perspective-on.html
http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/02/adults-with-aspergers-what-other-family.html
http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/wp_a58d4f6a.html
These are the best links so far I have found on everything.
Also books I recommend reading is Aspergirls by Rudy Simone and Tony Attwod's guide to aspergers disorder.
No comments:
Post a Comment