Monday, November 18, 2013

Moving Away From Home

Moving away from home is often times already a scary concept for people in general, but for us Aspies, I have found that it is even more difficult. At 26 years old I had decided to move to Michigan from my home state which is Minnesota. I had a friend that lived there, and for me it was an exciting new venture, However, when I had decided to move, I had felt I had nothing left here for me.  My parents aren't the most supportive people. They are negative and the home environment is a little bit toxic to me, However, I know they generally mean well and love me despite everything. I had just lost a couple of friendships due to drama, as well as was just abused by someone who manipulated me. I felt really depressed. So, I thought maybe moving away would be healing. 

However, the 3 months it took me to officially move there, I had met new friends, found a different support network from someone new I was starting to see, and then ended up falling for him a few weeks before I was supposed to leave. I had still committed to moving, my job had already made the official transfers, and I felt obligated to still  go because of that. So I still ended up leaving with a long distance relationship. 

When I got there, the job gave me way more hours than I should have gotten, I was only supposed to be hired part time and they gave me full time hours, and even though I wasn't complaining about the paycheck, the long hours took a toll on me emotionally and Mentally. This aspie had worked in fast food customer service type jobs, and the old store was really understanding of my condition, and some people just knew how to handle me. The New store I transferred to, didn't understand  when I tried explaining what aspergers is and what it means to live mildly Autistic. They were constantly putting me down, and I felt I was being somewhat harassed because they wouldn't take the time to try and understand my needs. So that didn't help at all either. Long hours of dealing with customer after customer, and people after people, and dealing with constant complaints about my slow work performance. 

During the course of the month I had been in Michigan, I had a melt down and several small mini break downs while I was there and was severely depressed. I was not adjusting well and the stress was overwhelming. I had many nights where I'd curl up into a ball and just stare at the wall. I'd shut down. I had shut down several times there. My friend that I was living with wasn't that much of a comfort, and since I hadn't really known very many people in the state I had moved to, I was alone, didn't have anyone else to talk to, no support network, and my boyfriend was really busy some weeks and couldn't be able to give me all the attention I needed over skype anyways. I felt lost, scared, and unsafe. I started hating it there and resenting it. So I decided to quit my job, packed up, and move back home. I had lots of help from my loving, caring, and understanding boyfriend who had drove all the way over there to come get me. If I didn't have him I wouldn't have known what to do. 

So because of this experience with moving, I had decided that I will never move out of state again, just because I really don't think I can handle moving to someplace where I have no support network. No Friends, or relatives to help me if I fall, and it just wasn't the best situation at all. Making friends is hard enough as it is, with being aspergers, and then going to a new environment and trying to make new friends is exhausting. My job also didn't help. My aspie traits were triggered there and people knew I wasn't all that up to par with the rest of the people working there.

My advice for aspie people who want to move to another state, for whatever reason, make sure you have a support network to fall back on; have a plan B incase something happens; Research and find Aspie services and support groups in order to get help coping with the big change; utilize any services if you need to; have a job advocate to advocate for you on your behalf; and lastly, listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. 

Now I am unemployed with a stack of bills, and even though I am recovering from the black pit of despair of depression, I wish I had known these things before moving, and wish I had never gone over there in the first place. I have realized I do not deal with change very well, even if the experience is supposed to be positive. I kind of also romanticized moving out and being on my own when maybe I should of been way more realistic about it.  Not every aspie is going to have bad experiences like mine was, but I hope that I have helped others to gain a more realistic approach instead of just doing what I did, and that was jump into something that I might not have been able to handle. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Social Paranoia

There was a question in one of online groups that I am in, and I felt the need to address it. The question resonated with me, and it is very hard to explain what happens in social situations and why we aspies in general are socially awkward.

I think most of it is due to social paranoia. The question that was asked was thus:



"Is it common for any of you to be weary of everyone? I am always thinking people don't like me, or are mad at me, even if it isn't true. I tend to disconnect from people because of this. Sometimes it makes me really defensive. Am I alone in this?"


Many individuals answered this question with "No you are not alone." Most people with Aspergers, I have found by reading the responses, that everyone has some level of social paranoia, where they think people are mad at them, don't like them, hate them, or various other insecure thoughts. We Aspies, withdraw when it gets to be too much and everybody's level of how much they can take varies from person to person. Some can handle it better than others. 


In my case, I can only explain what happens to me and inside my head. I know others can relate to it or some can have a similar process that goes on, but I cannot speak for everyone. So here is how it works inside my head...


I get into a new social circle, and I sit there observing, as I observe, I start to consciously think about the behaviors of people around me and try to figure out what the behavior means. I know I don't really know what certain cues mean, and its hard to for me to pick up sarcasm and jokes, so I usually just there observing trying to articulate the behavior and social cues. For most people, this is inherent and is automatic. I literally sit there making estimated guesses, calculations, and articulate to try and predict certain behaviors from others so that I can respond effectively. Then my brain tries to form calculations on what I can say and can't say, and what I already know to be wrong by past experiences and or experiments from childhood and teen years. Welcome to the world of Social Psychology!  


Then on top of all these articulations, calculations, and estimated guesses, there is all these questions and insecure thoughts running through my head such as, what do I talk about? How do I contribute to this conversation when I don't really know whats going on? I'm not really interested in this subject, should I pretened to be? Should I keep listening? Oo look a pretty shiney, a birdy, damn it pay attention to the conversation! Should I try to say something? What if I changed the subject? How should I change the subject? What if people don't know what I'm talking about? What if they don't like it? what if they don't like me? What if I goof up a joke and insult someone? What if I get too overly blunt? Why can't I just be like everyone else? Whats wrong with me? They are looking at me. Say something cool! Then I may trail off into my own little day dream or world, and forget that I'm supposed to be trying to converse with people. Or sometimes people say jokes and I get really confused on how it is funny and then it has to be explained to me.  Some people will, and some wont. Some will just say, never-mind. 


Honestly, It feels like my mind is on constant overdrive because I am thinking, feeling, and doing 2-3 things at once sometimes even 4 or 5 things at once, and then when my brain gets overloaded with information or what people call "input" I then short circuit like a computer and shut down completely, and that is when I get up, go to my own little corner away from the rest of the people, and fully withdraw into my own little world. There is this constant worry and fear that people won't like me, that they will hate me, or that I am going to say something stupid, or keep excessively talking about something that nobody else knows about or is interested in. That I'm just going to forever look stupid. 


Often times in social situations, I feel stupid. A great majority of the time I feel like I am a bad person for not being able to do things like everyone else can. I always feel guilty about it, but I know I shouldn't be and that its not my fault. 


I don't know what it's like for men, but I know for women, we have a gender role expectation to be social creatures and because of that, I personally, as a woman with Aspergers Disorder, feel way more stressed out in social situations that are new to me. Usually if its in a large crowd and in the the first meetings with someone new that are the hardest for me. After getting to know someone though, I usually can do better and get along great. I usually feel safer with 1 on 1 interactions as well, and that is if they smile at me first and if they start the conversation first and if its a topic that I have an interest in. I'm not very comfortable starting conversations with people. Especially with confrontations. Which Confrontations are a whole different issue and will be covered in a different blog post. 


So how does an aspie woman cope? Well my own coping skills are usually a lot of stress management techniques like breathing and meditation, and I also ritualize what to say in beginning conversations. I have ritualized the whole "Hi! How are you?" small talk type conversations. Sometimes it turns into a conversation, sometimes it doesn't because of everything I have already stated up above. Either way, in the beginning I know what to say and how to say it and ritualizing it has helped me work in the customer service industry, but when it gets to the next level, I honestly admit I'm lost.  Also like I said before I have a tendency to just shut out the conversation others are having around me, and go inside my own little world when the anxieties become too much. I try to do the best I can, and can get by on my own sometimes, but other times it feels like I need someone else there to help me along sort to speak. 


Anyway's that's about covers that topic. 







Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Beginning

Ever since I was very little, I always had this question in the back of my mind "What is wrong with me?" From a young age I instinctively knew something was not quite right with me in the head. I don't remember all of the specifics back then, but I remember feeling confused at the world around me often enough, and was quite confused on why nobody really liked me all too much. Half the time I didn't know what I was doing wrong, and it was overwhelming to try and figure it out.

In playgroups, that my mom took me and my little brother to, I'd only play with my brother a majority of the time. I grew up an outcast from society, and didn't have very many friends. I was bullied, and harassed, and often I would seem depressed or dysthymic. I would have one or two good friends at a time, and I just couldn't seem to figure out what people wanted from me. It was this constant guessing game for me to learn social rules, and I've always had to learn the hardway. I learned some of the basic rules of socializing, only because people bluntly straight out told me what the deal was and why, but most of the time in reality I still get confused by them and by social customs in general. Most of the time I find myself just wanting to hide in my room and be in my own little fantasy world.


Either way, I could go on and on about all the oddities and times I cried, threw a tantrum, or when I obsessed over books and movies, but what it all comes down to is the fact I recently finally have been able to answer, "What is wrong with me?" This past year a friend of mine noticed I had autistic tendencies and pointed them out to me. Then, in the spring I made the appointments to go in and get a psychological assessment for Aspergers and Bipolar because Bipolar runs in the family. I got tired of waiting around for someone else's permission to figure out why I am so weird. Granted being weird or different is by no means a bad thing. There are times I really love being odd, and other times it frustrates me. As you could of guessed it, I came out of my testing with the diagnoses of Asperger's Disorder.

So what is Aspergers Disorder?  Well it is basically a high functioning form of Autism. It is a neurological condition that basically affects social skills interactions. It effects how we pick up on nonverbal communication, body language, and silent social rules that other people seem to just know, or to just get. To us Aspies we have to have it explained to us.

Since the diagnosis, I have been trying to research and gain as much information I can about Autism Spectrum disorders, particularly Aspergers though. I came across a book I have been reading about women with Aspergers Disorder and I realized why I never got diagnosed with it in early childhood. First reason would be because it was not a recognized disorder in the DSM 4 until the year 1994. Secondly, the traits listed are how it effects men.  (http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_b5b62f86/wp_b5b62f86.html)

Social Scientists have discover in the last 5 or 6 years or so that it effects women differently and there still has not been very many studies done on this demographic. Many women like myself have gone years without a diagnosis, and because of that probably have had to struggle so much more than the lucky ones who had been diagnosed in childhood and grew up with special services, and people who had helped them learn about who they are and what it means to be a high functioning autistic. I am not saying early diagnosis means they had it easy. I am sure we have all had the same challenges growing up, however, I think there is a difference between wondering for years why you are so different and never having any answers or help to figure things out, versus knowing, having the answer and getting the help you need. There are so many things I wish I could of done differently if I had know, but I suppose I shouldn't dwell on that now. I know now, and can work to change things for my future.

However, This blog is meant to be helpful and informative to other women like me by using my own past, present or future experiences. I also want to mix it all up with reliable information from books and resources I have read. Some of my blog posts might even be book reviews and recommendations to read, as well as much helpful advice I can give. I also hope to post interviews with other women who have the disorder to give well rounded information, because quite frankly we aspies are all different. Our traits vary from person to person. Some traits are more severe in some than others. Other times this blog will also be a kind of documentation of my own journey into finally understanding who I am, because I am a firm believer that your own journey can very well help someone else understand themselves.

 So, I shall go forth on my new journey and blog away! Stay tuned for the next post!