Ever since I was very little, I always had this question in the back of my mind "What is wrong with me?" From a young age I instinctively knew something was not quite right with me in the head. I don't remember all of the specifics back then, but I remember feeling confused at the world around me often enough, and was quite confused on why nobody really liked me all too much. Half the time I didn't know what I was doing wrong, and it was overwhelming to try and figure it out.
In playgroups, that my mom took me and my little brother to, I'd only play with my brother a majority of the time. I grew up an outcast from society, and didn't have very many friends. I was bullied, and harassed, and often I would seem depressed or dysthymic. I would have one or two good friends at a time, and I just couldn't seem to figure out what people wanted from me. It was this constant guessing game for me to learn social rules, and I've always had to learn the hardway. I learned some of the basic rules of socializing, only because people bluntly straight out told me what the deal was and why, but most of the time in reality I still get confused by them and by social customs in general. Most of the time I find myself just wanting to hide in my room and be in my own little fantasy world.
Either way, I could go on and on about all the oddities and times I cried, threw a tantrum, or when I obsessed over books and movies, but what it all comes down to is the fact I recently finally have been able to answer, "What is wrong with me?" This past year a friend of mine noticed I had autistic tendencies and pointed them out to me. Then, in the spring I made the appointments to go in and get a psychological assessment for Aspergers and Bipolar because Bipolar runs in the family. I got tired of waiting around for someone else's permission to figure out why I am so weird. Granted being weird or different is by no means a bad thing. There are times I really love being odd, and other times it frustrates me. As you could of guessed it, I came out of my testing with the diagnoses of Asperger's Disorder.
So what is Aspergers Disorder? Well it is basically a high functioning form of Autism. It is a neurological condition that basically affects social skills interactions. It effects how we pick up on nonverbal communication, body language, and silent social rules that other people seem to just know, or to just get. To us Aspies we have to have it explained to us.
Since the diagnosis, I have been trying to research and gain as much information I can about Autism Spectrum disorders, particularly Aspergers though. I came across a book I have been reading about women with Aspergers Disorder and I realized why I never got diagnosed with it in early childhood. First reason would be because it was not a recognized disorder in the DSM 4 until the year 1994. Secondly, the traits listed are how it effects men. (http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_b5b62f86/wp_b5b62f86.html)
Social Scientists have discover in the last 5 or 6 years or so that it effects women differently and there still has not been very many studies done on this demographic. Many women like myself have gone years without a diagnosis, and because of that probably have had to struggle so much more than the lucky ones who had been diagnosed in childhood and grew up with special services, and people who had helped them learn about who they are and what it means to be a high functioning autistic. I am not saying early diagnosis means they had it easy. I am sure we have all had the same challenges growing up, however, I think there is a difference between wondering for years why you are so different and never having any answers or help to figure things out, versus knowing, having the answer and getting the help you need. There are so many things I wish I could of done differently if I had know, but I suppose I shouldn't dwell on that now. I know now, and can work to change things for my future.
However, This blog is meant to be helpful and informative to other women like me by using my own past, present or future experiences. I also want to mix it all up with reliable information from books and resources I have read. Some of my blog posts might even be book reviews and recommendations to read, as well as much helpful advice I can give. I also hope to post interviews with other women who have the disorder to give well rounded information, because quite frankly we aspies are all different. Our traits vary from person to person. Some traits are more severe in some than others. Other times this blog will also be a kind of documentation of my own journey into finally understanding who I am, because I am a firm believer that your own journey can very well help someone else understand themselves.
So, I shall go forth on my new journey and blog away! Stay tuned for the next post!
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