Social Paranoia

There was a question in one of online groups that I am in, and I felt the need to address it. The question resonated with me, and it is very hard to explain what happens in social situations and why we aspies in general are socially awkward.

I think most of it is due to social paranoia. The question that was asked was thus:


"Is it common for any of you to be weary of everyone? I am always thinking people don't like me, or are mad at me, even if it isn't true. I tend to disconnect from people because of this. Sometimes it makes me really defensive. Am I alone in this?"

Many individuals answered this question with "No you are not alone." Most people with Aspergers, I have found by reading the responses, that everyone has some level of social paranoia, where they think people are mad at them, don't like them, hate them, or various other insecure thoughts. We Aspies, withdraw when it gets to be too much and everybody's level of how much they can take varies from person to person. Some can handle it better than others. 

In my case, I can only explain what happens to me and inside my head. I know others can relate to it or some can have a similar process that goes on, but I cannot speak for everyone. So here is how it works inside my head...

I get into a new social circle, and I sit there observing, as I observe, I start to consciously think about the behaviors of people around me and try to figure out what the behavior means. I know I don't really know what certain cues mean, and its hard to for me to pick up sarcasm and jokes, so I usually just there observing trying to articulate the behavior and social cues. For most people, this is inherent and is automatic. I literally sit there making estimated guesses, calculations, and articulate to try and predict certain behaviors from others so that I can respond effectively. Then my brain tries to form calculations on what I can say and can't say, and what I already know to be wrong by past experiences and or experiments from childhood and teen years. Welcome to the world of Social Psychology!  

Then on top of all these articulations, calculations, and estimated guesses, there is all these questions and insecure thoughts running through my head such as, what do I talk about? How do I contribute to this conversation when I don't really know whats going on? I'm not really interested in this subject, should I pretened to be? Should I keep listening? Oo look a pretty shiney, a birdy, damn it pay attention to the conversation! Should I try to say something? What if I changed the subject? How should I change the subject? What if people don't know what I'm talking about? What if they don't like it? what if they don't like me? What if I goof up a joke and insult someone? What if I get too overly blunt? Why can't I just be like everyone else? Whats wrong with me? They are looking at me. Say something cool! Then I may trail off into my own little day dream or world, and forget that I'm supposed to be trying to converse with people. Or sometimes people say jokes and I get really confused on how it is funny and then it has to be explained to me.  Some people will, and some wont. Some will just say, never-mind. 

Honestly, It feels like my mind is on constant overdrive because I am thinking, feeling, and doing 2-3 things at once sometimes even 4 or 5 things at once, and then when my brain gets overloaded with information or what people call "input" I then short circuit like a computer and shut down completely, and that is when I get up, go to my own little corner away from the rest of the people, and fully withdraw into my own little world. There is this constant worry and fear that people won't like me, that they will hate me, or that I am going to say something stupid, or keep excessively talking about something that nobody else knows about or is interested in. That I'm just going to forever look stupid. 

Often times in social situations, I feel stupid. A great majority of the time I feel like I am a bad person for not being able to do things like everyone else can. I always feel guilty about it, but I know I shouldn't be and that its not my fault. 

I don't know what it's like for men, but I know for women, we have a gender role expectation to be social creatures and because of that, I personally, as a woman with Aspergers Disorder, feel way more stressed out in social situations that are new to me. Usually if its in a large crowd and in the the first meetings with someone new that are the hardest for me. After getting to know someone though, I usually can do better and get along great. I usually feel safer with 1 on 1 interactions as well, and that is if they smile at me first and if they start the conversation first and if its a topic that I have an interest in. I'm not very comfortable starting conversations with people. Especially with confrontations. Which Confrontations are a whole different issue and will be covered in a different blog post. 

So how does an aspie woman cope? Well my own coping skills are usually a lot of stress management techniques like breathing and meditation, and I also ritualize what to say in beginning conversations. I have ritualized the whole "Hi! How are you?" small talk type conversations. Sometimes it turns into a conversation, sometimes it doesn't because of everything I have already stated up above. Either way, in the beginning I know what to say and how to say it and ritualizing it has helped me work in the customer service industry, but when it gets to the next level, I honestly admit I'm lost.  Also like I said before I have a tendency to just shut out the conversation others are having around me, and go inside my own little world when the anxieties become too much. I try to do the best I can, and can get by on my own sometimes, but other times it feels like I need someone else there to help me along sort to speak. 

Anyway's that's about covers that topic.