What I wish my Partners to know

I have came across some interesting information about Aspian woman. I have found some blogs about a husband's perspective on being married to an aspie woman and it put things in a different perspective for me. Also it made me ask myself what do I want my partner's to know about being an aspie?  I will attempt to answer that in this blog post.

Lately it feels like no one really understands me. I will also go on to explain that I am polyamorous person and recently am dealing with a break up of one of my partners. During my relationship with this person, she said she wanted me to be the best person I can be. She wanted to help me learn to control my emotions better. She wanted me to change behaviors that are a direct result from being an aspie. Granted the behaviors can change somewhat, however, the underlying cause cannot be helped and most likely the behaviors I exhibit may still pop up and I will keep being an Aspie. I can't change my autism and it feels like everyone is trying to change it. My boyfriend/future husband himself uses sarcasm all the time, Sometimes I get it sometimes I don't; sometimes I misread his sarcasm to mean things it doesnt mean and he gets frustrated with my literal thinking almost daily. He gives me sarcasm 101 lessons and its like why is everyone trying to get me to cater to them when nobody is trying to meet me halfway by reading resources and communicating with me to try and understand ME and my needs as an aspie?

When she broke up with me she didn't tell me. She just removed me from her list of relationships on a social networking website. That was how I found out and I've been in and out of meltdowns all week from the stress of losing someone I really did care about regardless of what she thinks. I feel that maybe its all my fault due to being an aspie and being myself. Some of my actions in the past may not be ideal for her, but I didn't know any other ways of doing things. She's taught me a lot and I have been working extremely hard to change my behaviors. I loved her for it.

Either way so a question was asked and now I will answer.

1) I cannot change the fact I have aspergers. Accept it, read about it, take the time to actually get to know how I function so you can make a game plan for how to deal with me at my worst.

2) Part of my worst comes from me not being able to regulate my emotions. If I am overloaded and overwhelmed, I will quite possibly behave badly. Mainly because there is also a lack of impulse control. That is also a recorded aspie trait. I work extremely hard to have control so that I don't melt down at work, or melt down during social situation, but I fail sometimes because I am just simply put, OVERWHELMED. There is nothing you can do about it, but not take it, the bad behavior, personally. Understand that it is not something I can always help and wait til the storm passes until I am in a more resolved state, then try talking to me about stuff.

3) I process information differently and a lot of times it is slower than my peers, but I am really intelligent. Because I process things differently, Sometimes processing emotions and communicating them verbally is hard for me to do, Especially if I am overwhelmed. When Overwhelmed I usually experience a case of mutism if theres too much to process at once. A lot of times I write in journals because it helps my brain to slow down the information and I can actually think about it.

4) I am sensitive and so are other aspies. More sensitive than others may be. Many of us could be considered what the pagan community would be called empaths. I read that a new theory suggests that its not that we don't or can't Empathize, its that we Empathize too much. I have noticed that when people are upset around me I get upset. If people are stressed I get stressed automatically even though I came in, in a good mood. If people are in pain, I cry. There may or may not be an aspie off switch but some of us with draw because it becomes too much for us to bear. Your pain is my pain and keep in mind that if your emotional around me, I will most likely become emotional as well. I feel much deeper than others. My now ex-girlfriend had the theory that my emotions aren't any more or less strong than other people, It just feels like it because when my off switch is off I'm not used to experiencing emotions. No, Now I beg to differ after doing more research on it. That is not the case. Here is a link to the theory.

 http://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/new-study-finds-that-individuals-with-aspergers-syndrome-dont-lack-empathy-in-fact-if-anything-they-empathize-too-much/

Also with this sensitivity, we may or may not have heightened senses. Loud noises for example scare me. It's part of why punching walls scare me. I may be half deaf, which dumbs down things a bit, but even then certain noise levels overwhelm me. Sometimes even with small gaming groups that can be as loud as semi's to me, I have to go down to the basement and take a chill pill. If I'm having an aspie moment like this. Please don't assume its because I don't want to socialize. Some things are heightened times 10 in magnitude and I think my highest sensitivity level is I am very sensitive to Emotions. It explains a lot.

5) Verbal Communication is hard for me to do. I have stated that previously and I am sorry, but how I cope is by writing in journals. This past year I have started writing in a journal specifically for my partner or partners to read when I cannot talk. If this bothers you because you feel its a depersonalized way of communicating, and say using aspergers as an excuse is not acceptable. Tough shit. I try really hard to verbalize but sometimes I can't. Sometimes I am not even aware of what I'm feeling half the time because of feeling too much at once and deeply at once.  Likewise, I hate confronting people. I fear confronting people. I fear it because I don't understand how to do it properly without being too overly blunt or literal. I say exactly what I mean when I say it and I know I hurt people because of it.

I have a fear of hurting others and so I have a tendency to go out of my way to avoid hurting others but at the same time sometimes the way I try to prevent hurting people is the same process that does hurt people. I haven't quite figured out how this all works yet. I don't get how to not be blunt or literal, and because of that I may not confront people on anything in person if at all can be helped. Sometimes I need people to check in with me and ask if things are okay. If not I will most likely designate a Journal dedicated to that partner to write out what's wrong and then we can discuss what I wrote. I am sorry about that because that is part of the reason why most of my relationships fail and the reason why I'm dealing with another break up.

It also doesn't help I'm poly. I think because of my communication problems due to aspergers disorder makes it hard to keep and sustain relationships. Being a pansexual poly definitely takes a lot of work and sometimes I need to be addressed first to feel comfortable instead of people assuming I will go to them when I have an issue. I have a lot of fears and anxieties about things in general so please just be patient with me.

6) I am naive and there is still a part of me that is innocent. I am easily manipulated and coerced into things. I have been abused in the past because of it. I have a hard time establishing what my boundaries are and being assertive about it.  I need to have checklists pre-made and things to figure out what they are. I only started trying to figure out what my boundaries are a couple of years ago and each year I find something new about myself. I am still learning to do this so please have patience. Also when I do try to be assertive, I don't always do it in a healthy manor. I don't know how to be assertive and please keep in mind that if I come across as cold or angry about a certain topic that bothers me or something I am probably trying to be assertive.  I need people to help stick up for me when I fail to do this, and/or help me recognize manipulation tactics. I feel sometimes I basically need a protector and that is partially why I have certain rules set up in my polyamory contract with my future husband.

7) I am Child-like. There are lots of ways I still need to grow up. Sometimes it might be like having a child for a partner. I'm stuck at a teenager level of maturity, and I also from time to time regress into a little kid to escape adult pressures because it is overwhelming.  Lately I have been working on baby steps into improving myself and to finally grow up but it's hard and it is scary. Without a loving, caring environment from my partners, I may never grow up. I think partially this is due to because I was emotionally/mentally and sometimes physically abused while growing up. Love and support weren't fully part of the household. I think mainly because my parents don't know how to love. My Parents I think are also autistic, and I know my mother was severely abused while growing up, but they don't see it. They have in their mind stuck in their head a version of what autism looks like and if they don't see those qualities in themselves then they don't think they are autistic. They think how they socialize and what not is what everyone else does when its not exactly true.



At the moment I can't think of anything else to add here. If I think of more things I will edit and add things to this list later on. I am kind of making this for my current and future partners I may or may not have. If people can't handle me then I say get out before I get too attached to you. Also  Don't make promises you can't keep or say you will do things if you can't do that. It takes a strong person to put up with me and I am lucky I have who I have in my life right now. I love him very much and I hope he's serious about never leaving, if in the end we don't get married.

Here are some more links to do more research if you'd like.


http://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

http://aspiewriter.com/2012/08/i-married-aspie-husbands-perspective-on.html

http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/02/adults-with-aspergers-what-other-family.html

http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/wp_a58d4f6a.html


These are the best links so far I have found on everything.

Also books I recommend reading is  Aspergirls by Rudy Simone  and Tony Attwod's guide to aspergers disorder.

Figuring myself out

So I keep reading up about Aspergers disorder, only because I am still in the process in figuring out how my brain works. Its not an easy task, to figure out your own brain patterns, especially when you know it is so different from everyone else. So I had found a new website that kind of explains it more bluntly. However keep in mind everyone with Aspergers/autism is different. Even people with Aspergers are vastly different in signs, symptoms and the degree of severity is different.  Here is the link for more information:

http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/02/adults-with-aspergers-what-other-family.html 

Here is a little excerpt from the website. 

Eccentric people have always existed, but until recently, Aspergers wasn't recognized as a possible cause of strange adult behavior. Aspergers, one of the neurological disorders on the autism spectrum, can be mild, causing only somewhat unusual behavior, or severe, causing almost complete inability to function in society without assistance. Adult Aspies, like kids with the syndrome, have trouble deciphering the normal rules of society, which impacts their home, work and social lives.

Grown-ups with Aspergers have high intellectual functioning – but diminished social abilities. An adult Aspie might:

• appear clumsy

• follow repetitive routines

• have limited or unusual interests

• lack social skills

• lack the ability to read non-verbal cues

• seem egocentric

• use peculiar speech and language

Typical adult symptoms include:

• "black and white" thinking

• a tendency to be "in their own world" 

• appear overly concerned with their own agenda

• difficulty managing appropriate social conduct

• difficulty regulating emotions

• follow strict routines

• great musical ability

• highly focused in specific fields of interest often to the exclusion of other pursuits

• inability to empathize

• inability to understand other perspectives

• intense interest in one or two subjects

• outstanding memory

Here is what I have figured out so far for myself as an Aspie. Also note many signs and symptoms are also different in women than in men. There are many possible reasons for this. It could be because in genetic coding women are biologically stronger than men, or it could be that society today still has very defined gender roles. 

http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/wp_a58d4f6a.html

So far this is what I have found out about myself....

1) I am clumsy. I attribute this as part of Aspergers because when I get clumsy and hurt myself or others by accident, I know there is a whole different processing issue going. It's like if I can't see it or try to go too fast instead of going at my own speed then I end up defualting to ignoring certain spacial awareness. If there is too much going on in the computer system what does it do? it either goes slower or it ends up ignoring stuff. I try to explain things to the best of my ability and using metaphors helps a lot when I can't fully explain things.

2) Following repetitive routines.... I don't have any routines that are super eccentric, however, I have small routines with cooking and doing dishes. If I watch someone else do the cooking or try to help in anyway I get upset its not done to my regime. Or when it comes to doing dishes at work, if some of the newbies don't do the dishes the way I do it and I watch them, I get upset that they aren't doing it right. In the shower, I have certain routine of washing hair, condition hair, and then wash my entire body while conditioner is in setting so it gets the best silkiness. Then after all that if I need to shave I shave. I shave last. 

Honestly though, I actually despise having a set schedule for myself and I seem to be a bit more random and can go with the flow more easier than other aspies I know. I think it could be because most other aspies I know are male and exhuberate male traits. I don't know if this is a female thing or not. There still researching female traits of aspergers and so the differences are not all known.

3) Difficulty regulating emotions- This is the hardest one for me. I have a huge issue with regulating emotions. I cried at work during break after a hard rush of people that just would not stop coming. I get angry and don't always know how to express it. This is where it is hard for me to communicate properly about my emotions, because to me the emotions feel very overwhelming, and emotions are a stimulus. When people with autism in general get overly stimulated they either go mute or as a child they could through violent tantrums. I struggle trying not to throw violent tantrums because I was never treated with this as a child.  when people say things that upset me and agitate me, I end up in a powerlessness that I feel can't be helped.

Since I have a slower processing speed, when someone says something to upset me, and the emotions are overwhelming, I end up whining, grunting, and like a child I say "stop it" in the child like way. It is my way of saying that something is bothering me please stop, and if the person don't stop that is when I get even more upset and it becomes more overwhelming and I don't know what to do. I feel trapped because I don't know how to make them stop, to make it go away so I start of feel powerless and that is why when people make cruel remarks my way I just sit there and take it. My intuitive reaction to act on these feelings end up. Since I know I am not supposed to I feel guilty if I suddenly lash out because I don't know how else to convey the message that I am hurting from the behavior that you are doing, please knock it off. 

I wish I could just say that instead of getting all whiney like a little baby and I've tried doing it the normal way and sometimes the people still don't stop. And then I am plagued with the 90's mentality and grew up learning that if you don't have anything nice to say then you shouldn't say anything at all and yet some people still say the cruelest things, so I sit there and take the abuse out of submissiveness. 

On top of that, I have to work really hard not to piss people off, especially when it comes to negative emotions, particularly anger, and trying really hard not throw a tantrum. This is why when I am having negative emotions whether it's depression or anger I lock myself up in my room until the storm passes. It saves a lot of people from seeing the worst of me. But currently I am at a place where being alone by myself is difficult. I am thinking about the idea of putting up a blanket or sheet up when I need to be by myself in my small living space. 

Also my feelings of powerlessness over my emotions and conveying messages about how I'm feeling is I feel is partially because of the abuse I went through growing up and some of the abusive relationships I have gotten into in the past. I had learned the powerless feelings at a young age, and that in itself has its own issues. People with autism-aspergers I feel is way more susceptible to abuse. I need to do some more research to find that out for sure but it could also be a part of how I process my emotions. 

However, despite my issues, I still try very hard to communicate effectively about my emotions, so that I don't end up blowing up like a volcano. It is hard and I may not always do it properly, and I know sometimes my retaliation is abusive too and I know that is not okay by any means. There is no excuse for abuse and stopping the cycle is a very hard thing to do. When I went through advocacy training in college, I learned that everyone has abusive traits and I am finding that to be true about almost everyone I meet. Most intelligent people though realize it and work on a game plan to stop it. Me personally I know I need to start working on a plan B in case shutting myself alone in a room for hours or days is unavailable to me and that is something I need to go over with a therapist.

However, one outlet that gives me the tools to have a voice is writing out my emotions when I start experiencing Mutism as in feelings are so overwhelming I can't seem to get it out or talk. I like to write I like to journal and write poetry. I am a very creative person.

4) Non-verbal cues- I can pick up some non- verbal cues but not all. I have a hard time telling if people are just joking or not, and I have a hard time telling if people are sarcastic. Body language and posture and certain things kind of elude me. Like when I keep talking about stuff that is no longer the interest of a group, its mainly because I feel that I have to go into details and make sure they know everything about what I'm interested in. It's like I feel the need to give people an education on something new. I get excited to teach new things to people.  I guess that sort of goes into egocentricity. I admit I can be egocentric sometimes too. 

5) A tendancy to be in their own world- this is especially true for females. Females seem to be more imaginative than their male counterparts. For me fantasy is huge thing. I love vampires, witches, ghosts, and dragons, and unicorns, and the idea of people having super powers. sometimes it beats being in reality all the time. In order to deal with the pressures of everyday living, I need to check out every once in awhile. I'm sorry but it's true. I start watching my favorite movies over and over again and or get really obsessed over a show to the point where I can't seem to stop watching it. Then I end up day dreaming about the movies or shows for days after. Thinking about what it would be like to live in that world. 

6) Inability to understand Other peoples perspectives- If people were to be bluntly honest with me about how they are feeling or talk to me about their viewpoints I usually am understanding of those things, however people have to tell me their point of view or I will not understand automatically. I don't understand why this person is upset with me...tell me why! And when people are upset to being just upset over other things, I take it all on myself and think its because of me when in reality it probably isn't. Its not because I think the world revolves around me its just when I see people angry, growing up, people took their anger out on me and somehow made it my fault, so I just automatically default to that. It's not like I think well what does this person feel and why? I can't read those things. If I were to try and figure it out on my own It would take hours/days. By then the person is usually over it or doesn't want to discuss it further. And that is easily why I sometimes feel I have unresolved issues at time, Cus I just don't know, and sometimes people just don't tell me and it gets rather frustrating.. 

7) Intense interests in one or two subjects....  well I honestly have a lot of interests however, I become obsessive over them one at a time. I have read that dating, boys, and sex can be an intense interest or obsession for females in the book called aspergirls by rudy simone. Aspies are known to get obsessive over the things they enjoy the most.  In women though obsessions and interests aren't particularly peculiar like the male counterparts. women can become obsessive over things women normally get obsessive over such as dating or sex or just obsessive with males in general. Basically they possibly could be obsessive over their male lovers/boyfriends, and then the other side to it is some females don't even want to date at all. Other females could also obsess over being clean and various other things. 

This is also where Aspies can be vastly be different. Some obsess over one thing at time such as painting, drawing, or math equations, but when they get bored with it, its not that they don't like it anymore or don't want to do it ever again, its just they may have a different interest that peaked their curiosity. Some aspies go from interest to interest and not fully specializing in anything, while others specialize and make it into a career. I personally have not found my niche but considering some of my skill sets I could easilly quite possibly become a sex therapist...and particularly could be a sex therapist for people who have been abused once I get over my own shit. 

Also note these are the reasons why some of us aspies get misdiagnosed with Obsessive compulsive disorder.

8) Black and White thinking- I am a very black and white thinker. It is hard for me to see grey areas and a lot of times I am very litteral and I need people to be very literal with me when communicating things. Otherwise I may not get it.

9) Lack social skills- Obviously I lack social skills and it gives me a lot of anxiety when it comes to socializing. I try my best but I am an odd duckling and always will be. One time my friend was upset and I didn't know what to do to comfort her. I patted her head and said "there, there, you will be okay" and she looked at me like I was strange.. She said "you odd little duckling" we both kind of giggled and I was like "well what am I supposed to do?" She's like "Hug me," I'm like "okay next time be more specific" after looking back on that.... that definitely is a typical aspie moment and it's kind of funny but kinda not at the same time.

alrighty I'm getting kind of bored writing this....but those are just what I have figured out about myself so far. Trying to explain this stuff to employers if needed to in order to get a list of accommodations set up for job hunting and what not is going to be tough. I want to go through Behavioral therapy and vairious other things that help aspies learn healthier liveing and coping mechanisms because I want some of my submissive- avoidant-dependant personality things to change to become a better person, or a more functioning person I should say.